The other day (probably a week ago)I called my brother a jerk and a brat to his very face, and I barely felt guilty. If I had done such a thing last year I would have felt horrible and I would have apologized immediately. But not now (that, however, is another story I most likely won't tell).
But here's the thing, a week before I too was called a jerk for something I did, which was pretty stupid, and it hurt me (I did need a little humility at the time). And for a couple days after I was asking myself how people seem to not feel guilty by calling people names. If I had called someone else a jerk (because, after all, calling my brother a jerk wouldn't hurt as much as calling a friend a jerk, right?) in a rude tone, the same way I was called a jerk, I would have felt awful.
I tried to blog that last week. As you can see, it didn't work.
In other news:
ON SUNDAY I got my laptop back! It's been broken for five or six months, and it's finally working! There is, however, one problem. I don't like it anymore. After typing on my brother's still broken and really nice laptop, I don't like typing on my mini. Ugh.
AFTER SPENDING a while having little friends, I have finally been accepted into a group of old friends. I've had a lot of fun, but there are moments where I think I don't fit in at all. I'm so quiet. I add nothing to the conversation, and I merely listen and stare. This makes me feel like they haven't really accepted me.
This kind of thinking hasn't just been going on recently, it's been going on just about whenever I'm around a lot of people, whether or no any of them are my friends. No matter how many conversations are going on, there I am sitting in my own little bubble and looking around the room.
While I like hanging out with people, I also dislike it because of this fact. But I don't want to stop.
One reason I want to be more social is so that people will actually know what I'm like, that I'm actually a person. It seems that I'm so antisocial and I rarely say anything about myself that no one really knows me.
I often wonder why people can actually stand to hang out with me: Iam a jerk and I am stupid.
But I usually think like this to avoid pride and stuff.
This ramble is really going downhill fast.
*unedited
Etch a lot of the stuff you said in this post remind me of myself. In fact the whole thing about finding your group and still not feeling like you fit in, is something I can currently relate to in many ways. It's a very terrible feeling to feel like an outcast (even among outcasts) And I have to say part of the reason I hate it so much is that I hate being stereotyped especially for being home schooled. But my social awkwardness (which has improved tremendously I must say)IS because of being home schooled and isolated for so long. (I am not trying to degrade homeschooling but we all know it has it's down sides and the social aspect is the biggest) Hang in there because as hard as it is it does get better. One of the things you've got to do is force yourself into situations you wouldn't normally find yourself in, due to social instability. It's hard, and takes time because you have to start out slow. In other words I'm not saying go join a debate team right away. Just...don't avoid social situations...grab onto opportunities when they come.
ReplyDeleteAnother thing. Avoiding pride by putting yourself down is dangerous. Take it from me. I know where you're coming from. That was my mechanism and to a certain extent it still is, in avoiding what I thought seemed to be an inevitable curse that I was bound to. I had to tell myself I was terrible so that I would not think I was the best thing since sliced bread.
My dad told me once, "You are no better then anyone else...but nobody is better then you." I try to keep this in mind and it helps a bit.
But the putting yourself down is a sort of paranoia that you need to overcome or it'll eat away at you. And could cause depression if you aren't careful.
It's hard to keep a balance between too much and too little...I know
Well Now that I'm done with all that (and maybe am overreacting, and you might have heard all this before so I hope you'll forgive me for that)
I bid thee FAREWELL!!!!
Ent, I congratulate you on writing the longest comment ever -- on my blog at least.
ReplyDeleteThere are some things I would like to point out about what you said, but I will save those as an excuse for another blog. Please don't take offense, there is nothing wrong with your comment.
@TheEntertainer
ReplyDeleteI feel that I must defend the people you think stereotype you (and me, and Etch.) Highschoolers really don't look at us that way. They know we're are a little more uncomfortable, but, (and If this is what you are saying) I have never been avoided for being homeschooled! I even have good friendships that started just talking about the pros and cons of homeschooling! I have only meet 2 people who have ever been flat out and stereo-typed me (and us) like that. And they were the kind of people you either wanna be best friends with to be cool of avoid because they are horrible people. And they weren't highschoolers.
I don't know where I'm getting with this... And I don't think I made the point that I wanted... But I think you're stereo-typing others for stereo-typing you. And that bothers me. Get what I'm saying?
Sorry... I know you go to school and stuff, but yeah...
Whoa.
ReplyDelete1. You are not stupid; you are not a jerk. You're a human. I've met idiots, I've met jerks, I've met combinations of both. You are most definitely not among them. And Ent is right. Listen to her, for she is wise and intelligent.
2. As long as you don't get into the habit (like me), I think you'll be okay.
Re: your comment about people who insult others all the time... here's the thing. A lot of people say mean words or do mean things with absolutely no malice behind them.
I know people who greet each other with joking insults ("Hey dumb ginger!" "Hey jerkface!" {cue laughing high-five}); I tend to smack people I'm very comfortable with in the shoulder when I join the conversation. Or especially when they take the mick for something dumb I did. It just means that we're close.
3. Then do something about it. I'm sorry, but I can't explain how to be comfortable with people because it's never something that consciously happens. Just put yourself out there, beyond your zone, like Ent said, and (as much as I hate to say this) be yourself. People won't like you if you don't like you. How you treat yourself is a signal for others about how to treat you.
And also, Etch, re: your comment on Ent's comment, dude. It's okay. Telling someone that you don't agree with them or offending them (as long as it's not, you know, something huge) will not shatter your relationship. I had lots of trouble figuring that one out, so really.
Do I get to take the Longest Comment Award from Ent now? :)
Random confidence tip:
ReplyDeleteDon't apologize when it's not necessary. ONLY IF IT'S NECESSARY!
WWWOOOOOWWWW I didn't realize there were all these follow up comments. Well just in case anyone reads again
ReplyDeleteYes Teeo you may take the longest Comment Award if you wish :P
And MJ You're right, most of the time people don't stereotype us like that. I do sometimes think that people avoid other people who are themselves awkward with who they are and some home schoolers are like that because of the social aspect. (but then again maybe it's just me :P)